The Hoff-Heuston sandwich.
August 8th 2007 21:01
I had a dream last night that I was in the Trafford centre, terrorists struck and I had to save the day (which I did with style). The terrorists were disguised as McDonalds employees, which is an original plan I suppose. I'm sure there is a lot of symbolism in that dream, McDonalds isn't good for you? I like attention? I won't bother figuring it out.
Amazed I was though, when my mum woke me up at an ungodly hour (I.e. not in the afternoon) telling me that her and her sister were going to the Trafford centre around Five and if I would like to go. I wondered two things, firstly, was I still dreaming? And secondly, did I just have the biggest premonition ever? Could I have grew a sixth sense overnight?
Either way, if it was a forewarning I was going to save the day anyway, so there'd be no problem. Besides, I wanted to buy some aftershave…
So, in perfect co-ordination with rush hour traffic we set off in my Aunty Lynne's Kia. Now, besides the obvious drawbacks with the car situation, I knew I had to expect conversations including 'girls', 'sex' and 'proper condom use'. They manage to come up in conversation every time we go out as a family, which is just super. The journey lasted an hour or so. I made a quick dash to the opposite end of the Centre as soon as I could get out.
We agreed to meet for some food in about an hour so it gave me some alone time to shop and to gather my confidence for the 'have you got a girlfriend yet?' question, which hadn't come up in the car…but I knew it was coming. Anyway, I looked around a few shops, bought the aftershave I wanted too. I realized quite early on that something wasn't quite right however, there were…strange people knocking about, and they were 'knocking about' together. I didn't like it.
I accepted that I would soon have to jump into action as a Bruce Willis style hero and kill lots of people whilst losing pints of blood through various gunshots wounds and shards of glass. Key-ring penknife in hand I decided to follow one of the gangs to see what was 'going down'. I soon came to a large crowd outside of WH Smiths, and a line trailing up the stairs and up to the second floor.
I came to the surprise discovery that the gang were infact members of the David Hasselhoff fan club, who was signing copies of his new book. Now, by no means would I qualify as a fan of David. Sure, he has a great name and I'm not one to turn down an episode of 'Baywatch' but I wouldn't consider walking round with fake chests of hair on a yellow t-shirt a fun and normal pastime. Still, I had no intention of missing the chance to meet the Hoff, he is a ub er-cool guy after all. So I bought a very reasonably priced copy of the book, (with no intention of reading it) and got in the cue, which was moving at some rate for a one man show. I sprayed some of the aftershave I just bought and within 20 minutes I was next up.
Helen, one of the newest members of the DHFC who stood behind me the whole way was a very excited 16 year old schoolgirl. Wearing the standard yellow DHFC t-shirt she told me she was about to wee herself. I told her it'd be best to hold it in. Apparently the fan club website has crashed several times in the past months due to the overwhelming hits it gets. Must check it out sometime.
Apparently she rambles on when she gets nervous and indeed, she told me things about Baywatch I would never have known. For instance, Pamela Anderson had three body doubles for various stunts. You might notice that has nothing to do with David, but a bit of Pamela news never goes down badly. One could get confused with the detail of her knowledge of Mr. Hasselhoff, but I guess we all have our obsessions and in this case, it was a healthy one. She wished me good luck as I walked boldly behind the plastic board, hiding the attraction from the unpaying onlookers.
As I walked up to the desk where he was sat, pen in hand with a nice grin on his face I realized I had nothing prepared to say to him as I had been submerged in new knowledge for the last 10 minutes. Luckily my mouth opened in time, I handed him my book,
"David?" I said in disbelief.
"That's me!" he replied in the BEST accent ever.
"Me too!" I proclaimed.
To my shock I was the first David of the night and I think we were both pleased. I only had a few short moments with Dave, as he preferred. I asked him how he felt about being called Dave and if he knew that King David was a direct descendant of God. Of course he knew! I was so happy the Hoff had a good knowledge of our name. I shook his hand and was politely shown to the exit. Great guy. As I walked off I heard a scream of joy behind me…I hope she managed to hold it in.
I walked around in some kind of ecstatic shock for a few minutes before gathering my thoughts and realized I had to meet with Lynne and Mum. I told them of my travels, they didn't quite believe me at first. It turns out they only made it to half a dozen of shops on the ground floor and didn't even know of the commotion that was going on at WH Smiths. Typical women. Of course, I forgot to take a photo, luckily I had the book. We found a table and I gave the signed proof to mum and took food orders.
On my arrival to McDonalds i saw they were serving Double quarter pounders with cheese. Heaven, I'd always wanted to try one of them after I saw 'Supersize me' and Morgan Spurlock throwing up after eating one. I ordered the meals and waited whilst discretely looking behind the counter for any concealed weapons or bombs. The lady serving me gave me a suspicious look. I was about to explain my dream when I decided better of it and walked away with our food. We spoke of my meeting with the Hoff for some time before conversation turned to Uni life once again.
'So', Lynne began, 'met any girls yet?'
I streaked red and shy-fully replied with the standard 'not yet'. Not even meeting a celebrity can save me from 'the question', Im doomed.
After the meal, (which went down very well) I made a sharp exit from the food court, agreeing to meet up with the Two of them in half an hour or so. I dashed into Next and bought a pair of badly needed Jeans and then into Boots to find some deodorant and Conditioners for my ever growing hair. Most of the Trafford Centre's shoppers had seemingly found out about Dave: the place was empty. He had a good nights work ahead of him by the looks of it, letting the rest of the Trafford centre take it easy.
Naturally i took my time deciding what Conditioner to go for, my hair deserves the best. I crouched down to look at some of the products on the bottom shelf and I felt a presence next to me. The sly eye glances predicted that it was a girl with big boobs a very nice body, and oh my it was. I turned and looked to see that this girl was none other than Sam Heuston from big brother! I actually said thankyou to God.
Of course, I didn't know what to say. This was Sam Heuston, a girl I've seen practically naked many times on the internet, in some very revealing poses. Floods of questions ran through my head as I stumbled to my feet (standing on and breaking my iPod headphones in the process). Why the hell was she in the Trafford centre? I thought she lived in London. Are there paparazzi? Is this some kind of set up? And the most important question of all, my original thought of the day, was I still dreaming?
I had to say something, I couldn't miss the opportunity to speak to her so I said Hello, in the nicest, politest, I-don't-want-to-get-into-your -knickers, kind of way. She turned her head briefly and said hello before returning to the shampoo section, next to the conditioners (co-incidence? I think…not). Trying to keep the conversation going I asked what on earth a girl like her was doing in a place like this. Now, I don't know what I meant by that, it was the first thing that came out of my mouth, I think that brain in the testicles that everyone talks about was controlling my voice for this one as it certainly didn't come from my head. She didn't take it too well either, replying with 'what do you mean by that?'.
The trend of me not knowing what to say was continuing, I stood there, for what seemed like an eternity, but I replied just in time, with the best line ever to exist, and I quote, "…Well…I thought…you'd be getting ready to party down in London or…" and here it is "…staying in the Palaces of Europe". It doesn't make sense I know, nor does it sound like a line I'd come up with (or anyone would come with for that matter) but I did, and my God it worked. She turned and SMILED at me!!! I had just successfully flirted with Sam Heuston!
It turns out she was in Manchester for a photo shoot. She said she was with friends and was going to "party down" in Manchester later that night. Carrying on the conversation I told her that I just met David Hasselhoff, seeing as they were both celebrity figures I thought it would be appropriate. Still, she frowned in EXACTLY the same way Lynne and mum had done not 20 minutes ago. It appears she wasn't in the DHFC either. Helen wouldn't have been impressed.
Soon enough she had picked what she wanted, politely said goodbye, me getting in the 'it was nice to meet you' line and she went on her way. I felt rude asking for a photo, but she is a very beautiful girl, much smaller in real life but just as sexy. I read an interview once where she said she looked for a guy to be sensitive, have a good sense of humour, confidence and a good body. I must have stood in the same position for quite some time holding two different conditioners in my hands thinking about how I filled three of those boxes within 30 seconds. I did however realize that I must have looked like a freak standing there, however happy I was, so I chose what I wanted and went.
Still in disbelief I wondered around not knowing where to go or what to do. I decided it was time to go home, Two celebrities in One day is enough. I met up with The ladies and didn't say a word. Firstly I knew thy wouldn't believe me, and secondly, even if they did believe me, this was Sam Heuston we were taking about, the way I saw it, it would inevitably lead to talk of girls and sex. It was something I wasn't going to risk delving into again.
I contained my glee, but it would be a memorable story. We got back to the car and I listened to my iPod whilst they nattered away. I don't think I said more than two sentences in the car journey home. I couldn't sleep either. It'd gone 2am when I decided to write down what had happened today. Its now 3:33am.
I hope I have more days like this.
III
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